As I sat down to write this post, I remembered an instance from the time when my son had just started going to pre-school. I was a stay-at-home-mum at the time. As I waited outside my son’s classroom at pick-up time, talking to other mums, there was a dad waiting for his son too.
A mum started talking to him to make him feel part of the ‘mum group’. As he stepped forward to respond, and sort of join our group – one of the other mums commented: “It’s so sweet that you come to pick up D every day.” [I got a bit uncomfortable at this mum’s comment].
Smiling back, he responded, “Ah yes, that’s just how we’ve divided our responsibilities at home. My wife goes to office and I am the primary care-giver to our son.” To which this mum responded: “How nice! So, what’s your real job?”
[Ufff! I was a bit irritated now, even though I probably knew that she wasn’t trying to make a point or being malicious. It was just ignorance and years of conditioning of how traditional gender roles should look like.]
Poor dad! He seemed uncomfortable and looked around for a second, and then just smiled in response.
Later, I felt bad about not intervening or saying something. I should have…
But what does that tell us about the society we live in today’s day and age?
Since having kids, I have come across several stay-at-home-mums. I have been one too. Surely you have come across stay-at-home mums too, or you are one yourself.
Now let me ask you: How many stay-at-home dads have you come across?
Would be great to know your response / or any other thoughts in the comments box below (at the end of this page).
Stay-at-home dads – rethinking negative stereotypes
In the recent years, media reports have shown a growing trend of fathers taking on the primary caregiver role. Despite this trend, the cultural stigma, prejudices and negative stereotypes associated with stay-at-home dads loom large.
People struggle with the notion of ‘a man’ not being the primary breadwinner.
This post looks at negative stereotypes, their manifestation and reasons, and how to rethink them.
What are these negative stereotypes?
Stereotype #1: Stay-at-home dads do not want to go ‘to work’, are not ambitious, or not successful in their careers, and hence decide to stay at home. This stereotype is based on the assumption that men should be the breadwinners, and any man who doesn’t fit this mould must be lazy or has failed ‘to provide’ for his family.
Stereotype #2: Stay-at-home dads are less ‘masculine’, ‘unmanly’ or emasculated, compared to men who work outside the home. This stereotype is rooted in the idea that masculinity is defined by financial success, physical strength, and a lack of emotional expression.
Stereotype #3: Stay-at-home dads are incompetent to take care of their children properly. This stereotype is based on the assumption that men are not naturally inclined to take care of children and lack the necessary skills and knowledge to be effective caregivers. It assumes only women are capable of empathy, compassion, patience and hence more capable of taking care of children’s emotional needs.
Stereotype #4: Stay-at-home dads are not involved, or do not want to participate, in household chores. This stereotype is based on the assumption that caregiving and household chores are separate domains, with women primarily responsible for the latter.
Stereotype #5: Stay-at-home dads are not happy or fulfilled in their role. This stereotype assumes that men derive their sense of self-worth and fulfillment from their careers and that caregiving and domestic work are not fulfilling or meaningful.
Reasons behind negative stereotypes, their manifestation, and how to rethink them:
Gender roles and stereotypes
One of the main reasons for the negative stereotypes associated with stay-at-home dads is the deeply ingrained gender roles and stereotypes, reinforced for generations. These traditional gender roles perceive caregiving to be women’s work (irrespective of their paid jobs) and ‘providing’ for the family to be a man’s domain. By acknowledging and valuing the importance of caregiving roles, irrespective of the gender, we can break down these stereotypes and create a more inclusive and accepting society.
Social and cultural norms
Social norms are the unwritten rules that govern our behaviour in society. These norms can be very powerful, and people often conform to them without even realising it. When a man takes on the role of a stay-at-home dad, he challenges these social norms–a deviation from what is considered ‘normal’.
This belief is also reinforced in India (and many other Asian societies) by cultural norms. For example, the concept of an ‘ideal woman’ in India is often associated with traits such as selflessness, sacrifice, gentleness, which are seen as essential ‘qualities’ to caregiving.
For an educated Indian man to make a choice to ‘not work’ is out of the question. As a husband and a father, he can be seen cooking, dropping kids to school, attending parent-teacher meetings, buying groceries, keeping track of the bills, teaching kids—everything. But ‘a man’ is not allowed to have a choice to be ‘jobless’.
That said, while the negative stereotypes and cultural stigma associated with stay-at-home dads in Asian societies is a significant issue, there are signs of progress and change. More fathers are taking on caregiving roles, owing to growing recognition of the importance of caregiving in child development. More initiatives/resources such as increased parenting classes, support groups, flexible work policies, and family-friendly workplaces could bring about a positive change.
Lack of support, peer pressure and fear of being judged
Stay-at-home dads often struggle due to lack of support, peer pressure and fear of being judged both from their families and from society as a whole. Many stay-at-home dads feel isolated and have self doubts as they don’t fit in with other ‘mainstream’ parents. The pressure to conform to traditional gender roles makes it difficult for dads to consider staying home with their children, even if it’s something they may want to do.
To overcome social and peer pressure, it’s important to create more inclusive and accepting communities that value all types of parenting roles. This includes promoting the idea that caregiving and parenting are important and legitimate roles for both men and women.
Lack of flexibility in the workplace
The workplace culture and policies also have an impact on the negative stereotypes of stay-at-home dads. Men may face difficulties taking on a primary caregiver role if their workplaces do not offer family-friendly policies such as flexible schedules and telecommuting options.
To create a more accepting and supportive workplace culture for stay-at-home dads, it’s important for employers to continue promoting a culture that values caregiving, put in place policies that support families, such as affordable childcare and parental leave. This will help alleviate some of the financial pressure and create a more inclusive and equitable workplace for all caregivers.
Lack of role models and media representation
Another reason for negative stereotypes and cultural stigma is lack of role models and representation in media and culture. There are very few positive portrayals of stay-at-home dads in media to look up to. As a result, people may have a limited view of what a stay-at-home dad looks like, and it may be difficult for them to navigate the challenges of this role or in their abilities as caregivers.
Also, the way stay-at-home dads are portrayed in movies can have a significant impact on how they are perceived by society. Many depictions of stay-at-home dads are negative or stereotypical. Men are often shown as bumbling, incompetent, or emasculated, reinforcing harmful stereotypes about gender roles and caregiving. Movies (Three Men and Baby, Are We There Yet, Daddy Day Camp) have often comically shown men as: not being able to tie nappies, have milk squirt out of the bottle, etc. These portrayals are not only destructive but perpetuates the idea that caregiving is not a legitimate or respected role for men.
By promoting increased positive portrayals of stay-at-home dads in movies (such as The Incredibles, Instant Family), TV shows, and other forms of media, as well as by encouraging public figures to speak out in support of fathers who choose to stay at home, we can help shift public perception.
Gendered language and labels
The language and labels used to describe stay-at-home dads can also contribute to their negative stereotype and associated stigma. For example, the term “Mr. Mom” is often used to describe stay-at-home dad, implying that they are simply filling in for their wives and performing stereotypically feminine tasks. This label reinforces the idea that caregiving is primarily a woman’s role, and can make it difficult for stay-at-home dads to be taken seriously as caregivers in their own right.
I have come across the term ‘babysitting’ several times to describe a father’s time with his own children. Childcare is real and an important responsibility. By using more inclusive and gender-neutral language, such as ‘parenting’ or ‘caregiving’, we can help break down gender stereotypes and promote the acceptance of all parenting roles.
Impact on children
The negative stereotypes associated with stay-at-home dads can also impact their children. Kids may be teased or bullied at school because their dads stay at home, or they may feel ashamed or embarrassed about their family situation. The narrow understanding of gender roles can be particularly challenging for boys, who may be taught to equate their worth and identity with being a breadwinner.
Marginalisation and discrimination
It’s important to recognise that the stigma associated with stay-at-home dads intersects with other forms of discrimination and marginalisation. For example, stay-at-home dads who are also members of other marginalised groups, such as LGBTQI, may face additional challenges and barriers. It’s important to consider the ways in which different forms of oppression intersect and compound each other.
Mental health and self-esteem
The negative stereotypes and the stigma associated with stay-at-home dads can impact their mental health, self-esteem and can lead to feelings of isolation, depression, or like they are not living up to societal expectations of ‘what it means to be a man’. They may feel excluded by other men who do not understand or value the role, making it more difficult for them to navigate the challenges of caregiving.
Emphasis on education and career
Another factor that contributes to the negative stereotypes of stay-at-home dads, especially in the context of Asian societies, is the emphasis on education and career success. Not only are education and career successes highly valued, but there is a also lot of pressure to perform well by parents and the society. Good results in education and a successful career are often seen as the key to social mobility and economic security. As a result, men who choose to stay at home and take on caregiving roles may be seen as sacrificing their own ambitions and career opportunities.
Finally, it is important to recognize that stay-at-home dads are not a monolithic group. They come from a variety of backgrounds and have a variety of reasons for choosing to stay at home with their children. It is important to approach this issue with nuance and understanding, and to recognize that there is no one “right” way to be a caregiver.
In conclusion, it is time to rethink negative stereotypes about stay-at-home dads. The stigma associated with stay-at-home dads is a complex issue rooted in traditional gender roles and cultural expectations. While progress has been made in recent years, overall acceptance of stay-at-home dads is still an ongoing process. It will take continued effort to break down these barriers and create a more inclusive and equitable society that recognises parenting and caregiving are not gendered activities, and that both men and women can be effective and nurturing caregivers.